LUCY

 

I've told my birthing story to several people, but so far, none of those recountings has been able to come close to the amazing beauty and power that I felt during the actual experience of having you.

First of all, you were very wanted! Daddy and I waited 8 years before we decided to have you, and it took us about 3 months before you were made. I'll tell you the story of when we found out about you another day. I had a lovely pregnancy with you, and really enjoyed every minute of it. You were due on November 27th, the day after Thanksgiving. Well, Thanksgiving came and went, and I was starting to wonder when you would be coming. I was done with work, and still feeling good, so I wasn't in a huge rush. I knew you would come when you were ready, and I was glad to have a few days off.

Grandma and Grandpa Jewell were here for Thanksgiving and spent the night; daddy even ran the Festival of Lights run with Aunt Kelsi the next day. We walked all around town, and I remember them commenting that my energy level was not that of someone who was going to give birth soon! Grandma and Pop-Pop came on Saturday and left Monday morning. Daddy and I had all day to ourselves on Monday - we went Christmas shopping in the morning, then went out to lunch in Royal Oak and saw a movie, "The Road" – kind of an intense birthing scene in that movie! I remember noting it and thinking, “I hope I don't go into labor today!” Oops...

We came home and ate chili; I was still feeling fine - I even made a couple phone calls - one to Grandma and Pop-Pop (because Grandma had left her gloves at our house) and one to Emily, to wish her a happy birthday. After the chili, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom - doing that didn't help, and that made me think that maybe, just maybe, you were going to come that night! I thought, "Tummy issues don't usually come in increments of every five minutes!"

I went downstairs and told Daddy, and we were both nervous and excited. We decided to decorate the Christmas tree and see what happened. It soon became clear that I didn't have the energy or willpower to decorate the tree! I lay down while daddy hung the ornaments. This was about 8pm on Monday, November 30th. I laid down and rested; eventually, we started timing what we now knew were contractions! They were a little irregular, but seemed to come every 5 minutes and last for 30 seconds. This seemed fast to me, and I remember thinking you were probably coming soon! Little did I know...

We finally decided to call the midwives - that was a big step and made things seem very real! Kip called us back - she was very calm and said, "why don't you just relax - go upstairs, have a glass of wine, take a bath, and call back if you have any questions." I tried to rest on the couch, but the contractions were still coming every five minutes, and I started to get a little panicky! We called Kip back at 11pm, and she asked, "Well, what do you want to do?" I said, quivering, "I think I want to come in!" Well, now we were really excited and nervous.

We went around like chickens with our heads cut off, getting everything together. We had had a bag packed for weeks, but all of a sudden we seemed really disorganized. We called Daddy's parents and my parents to let them know we were going in. It was around midnight by then. Actually, Daddy made all the phone calls, because I was uncomfortable with contractions and didn't feel like talking. We also called our next door neighbors, the Evans', to let them know so they could keep an eye on Fellini and our house for us.

Finally we were in the car - bag of stuff and food in tow. It was dark, and there was hardly any traffic, although I do remember a cop that had pulled over a car right after we turned on Grand River and thinking, "Get out of our way!" Part of me wanted to get pulled over and to have daddy say, "my wife is in labor!" I called your auntie Lisa on the way too - I woke her up over in England, and she was excited! The ride wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We made it to the birth center without incident. Kip and Audra were there, getting things ready. We went in and made our way back to the green room where I wanted to be.

It was dimly lit and cozy. I went in first, and your daddy came in right behind with the bags and helped me get settled. The bath was running, and there was both soothing music and the sound of ocean waves in a sound machine going. I could feel myself relaxing. I sat on the bed; Audra came over to get my vitals, but before she did, she put one hand on my forehead and one on the back of my neck. I know she always apologizes for her cold hands, but I am and was so dang hot, it felt good! She did that for about a minute while I sat on the bed and closed my eyes. I have such a distinct memory of that - I could feel my body melting into relaxation. Kip came in and gave me a hug and kiss. Clarice told me later that I was about 2-3 cm dilated when I came in.

Audra recommended that we just rest on the bed and try to get some sleep. Kip and Audra left to get some sleep themselves, and your daddy and I laid down on the bed. It was soft and embracing and cozy. Neither of us slept much, but we rested. The contractions were still coming about every five minutes. We laid down about 1am. I think then a few hours later, maybe around 5 am or so, I got up when I couldn't stand being in bed any more. I had your Daddy go get Audra, and she ran a bath for me. Things are a little blurry after that. I remember laboring in and out of the bath, but mostly in. I walked around a lot, and things seemed intense. I was really tired and remember wishing I had taken a nap while we were still at home decorating the tree. I got into a zone in the tub and stayed there for hours. Around 9am, Clarice came in, and I remember her whispering, "How long has she been in there?", referring to me in the tub. She encouraged me to get out - I did and went to the bathroom, and wow, did the contractions speed up then!

Audra only did vaginal checks on me a couple times, but they were not comfortable! I don't know how women tolerate being in the hospital and being strapped to a bed, monitors, and IVs. Once I was out of the tub, I labored some more. I paced around a lot, really in a trance. I got totally naked and remember how grateful I was that I was in a place where I felt comfortable enough to do that. They took a lot of pictures, which I'll show you some day if you want. I'm so glad they did that. I do remember saying things like, "I'm so tired, Audra!" and "I don't think I can do this much longer!" Audra was always there with comfort and reassurance. She listened to your heartbeat a lot, and you were a real trooper! Your heart rate never dipped. Both your daddy and I (as we revealed later) were always anxious when she listened and always asked, "Is everything okay?" More reassurance always followed.

Sigh. This is so long, but it is pouring out of me. I wish I could remember every second! There was that Joan of Arc banner on the wall that was so encouraging. It read "I was born to do this. I am not afraid." I found that so comforting. Anyway, I labored more out of the tub for a few hours I think. I tried to sip on things and even take a bite of Triscuit every once in a while - a very small bite! I was so not hungry. One time, I got really nauseated and called out that I thought I might throw up. Audra came in with a pan, but I just dry heaved and spit.

I talked to you a lot during the labor, saying things like, "I love you, baby! Everything's okay, come soon, baby!" I had contractions that kept speeding up from about 9am til 1pm. I remembered thinking how the daylight was changing - it was now bright outside. I paced a lot, and made low throated groans. They were quite loud, but it was what I had wanted to do, and it really did help. I remember saying at one point, "Are my noises scaring anyone else?" thinking that it was now regular business hours for them. They reassured me this was not the case.

Daddy said my moans of contractions were in sync with the ocean waves on the sound machine – he said it was really amazing to note the rhythmic sync. He took such good care of us during this time (and still does!). He would ask if I wanted the music from the CD replayed and was constantly rearranging the towels on me in the tub – rubbing my back with them, re-wetting them, etc.

I was out of the tub for a while then. I would go in the bathroom, go to the back door and press my cheek against the cool window, which felt good. I felt scared and really tired and would ask Audra, "Is everything okay, am I making progress?” She was always there to reassure me. At one point I was leaning over the bed and daddy noticed that my bottom was flaring out like a baboon's, which is something we had learned about in class. Lucky for him, he didn't tell me that till a few days later.

I also remember Kip and Clarice poking their cute little heads in around the door every once in a while, looking at me and smiling. At one point, when I was back in the tub, Clarice was just sitting in the rocking chair knitting. Everything they did was so normalizing and reassuring. Audra checked me at one point and said that she could feel your head; daddy felt it at that point and exclaimed how cool it was. I was really intense and zoned then and wasn't quite ready to feel it.

Things were really speeding up, and the pushing started around 1pm. Wow, was that intense! Like nothing I've felt before. Each of the three phases were unique and each more difficult – contractions, pushing, then crowning. My body just took over during all of it.

At one point, I was really tired and overwhelmed with the pain of contractions and took God's name in vain (and included the f-word). I immediately apologized to God, but Audra said, "I think God makes special exceptions for women in labor.”

Pop-pop called at one point and talked to Clarice. He and grandma were getting worried, since labor for Grandma and my sister had only taken a few hours. Clarice said I was doing great, but he asked for more specific info for “Nurse Grandma”. She of course told them everything they needed to know.

So where was I...pushing! I did feel your head in the tub at one point - I saw in the mirror that it was dark – surprise, surprise! And so much hair. It was so soft and velvety. I remember Kip saying in a birthing class that she would never forget that feeling; I know what she means now. I hadn't been ready to feel your head before, but now feeling it gave me the strength to go on.

I was back in the tub for the pushing. I was really in my trance then. Pushing made things more intense, but they slowed down too. I was so tired! But I got nice little breaks in between - even dozed a little, and I think daddy and Audra did too! Dad said he even heard me snoring a couple times! I kept looking up at the clock and thinking, "How much longer!?" or "Okay, I can make it to such and such a time." I would rest, head forward on the tub, then after 10 minutes or so start shaking uncontrollably and then the urge to push would waft over me. I actually wouldn't really describe it as pushing - just an uncontrollable force that I simply gave into. I was always really glad to get that break. It seemed like things were taking forever...I was really exhausted. At one point, near the end of pushing, Audra gave me some tea with honey to get my blood sugar up. I wasn't really able to eat at that point, so the tea was amazing and gave me just the boost I needed.

Things were heating up after 3pm, and it was shortly after that that you started crowning. Such burning and stretching! I remember looking up at Mitzi at one point and saying, "This really hurts!" I remember making a lot of faces at daddy too, during the labor, with my mouth turned down - now that I think about it, kind of like your pout now! Anyway, Mitzi said, "I know honey!" and kept clicking away on those pictures. Audra and Clarice were behind me - trying to help me focus on the pushing so I didn't push you out too fast and tear badly, they helped hold my perineum too. I remember feeling the energy level of the room being way up. It was shortly after that that I was leaning forward and went back to squat in a more upright position. As I was doing this, Clarice said, “Oh no honey, in or out of the tub, you have to decide where you're gonna have this baby." She didn't want me to be halfway out of the tub when you came. I was actually just leaning back to prepare for you to come at any moment - I was so focused and intense that I didn't have the outward energy to explain what I was doing, but I knew you were coming soon.

I was so focused – I was trying really hard to not push (which Audra had me do just during the pushing before the crowning too - that was hard!), but then...the indescribable urge came upon me, and with one massive push, you came shooting out into the water, like a little bullet. Oh my God, what relief and joy! Tears and shouts of joy everywhere, a cacophony of love! There you were, born just the way daddy and I had planned, surrounded by support and love! They put you on my chest immediately and covered you with a hat and blanket. Oh my God, you were so beautiful.

After a minute or two of joyful chaos, Daddy said, “Do we know what we had, did anyone look?” I said, “Oh, you look!” I had wanted him to be the one to look (I love that the midwives don't say and let us find out.) He burst into tears and said, “It's a girl!” Daddy said described this surprise later as, “A minute of her life existed without gender expectation – completely pure.” He said he was so happy and relieved that you were here that he almost forgot to look! He said it was not his first thought. We had talked incessantly about whether you were going to be a boy or girl while I was still pregnant. But during the intensity of the labor, this thought was far from our minds. I remember it occurring as a point of interest every once in a while, but I was so focused on getting you out that we weren't really thinking about that.

Daddy told me that he was surprised it was a girl; I was not. Oh my baby Lucy. Everyone said we were having a boy - the way I was carrying, the Chinese birth chart, the pendulum test! But oh, my heart said girl from the first moment I found out I was carrying you - you were my heart's desire, but I let everyone else talk me out of it. Lucy Margaret Aurel, named after both your grandpa's moms.

I held you, we looked at each other, daddy snuggled us. I asked if I could nurse you, and we tried - not quite then, but you got it eventually! We felt the cord pulsating, and Daddy cut the cord after about ten minutes. You got wrapped up and given to daddy then. He held you while sitting in a chair across from me, but I eventually asked him to come closer - I could not stand being away from you. You cried some. It took 45 agonizing minutes for the placenta to come out! I was so ready to get out of the tub and snuggle with you again. Audra even got me a homeopathic tab to help. I was scared of the placenta contractions, but it was one tiny contraction and, bloop, there it was! They helped me out of the tub, tucked me into bed with you, with warmed blankets. Hardly anything has felt so good in my whole life.

What time was it then? Must have been after 5pm at least! We snuggled some more and tried to nurse. You were crying a lot! We were so happy, and so tired. Daddy posted a picture on Facebook, as kind of a birth announcement. I called home and talked to Pop Pop. He cried when I told him - "Hi Daddy, you have a baby granddaughter. Her name is Lucy Margaret Aurel Jewell." He cried even more when he heard the name. Daddy called his parents and talked to his Dad. He cried when he heard the name too. Of course, Daddy and I both cried as well! Pop Pop said he wanted to call Auntie Lisa, and I called Grandma. She was at work. Someone answered and I said, "Hi, is Carol Derkin there?" She said, "Oh, is this her daughter? Did you have the baby?" Grandma was so excited, and especially that it was a girl. Now she had one of each!

I was STARVING! Daddy ordered us some pizza. The midwives were in and out, helping me figure out nursing, and doing various things. We never did get much sleep. They did a newborn exam, and weighed you. I remember thinking that they changed a few diapers and wondered if we should be doing it to get used to it. Now I'm glad we had that break! Before I got in the warm bed, I peed in the bathroom. I did have a second degree tear and a few small ones. The tear needed to be repaired. It was really painful to pee! I got into bed, Daddy held you, and Clarice and Audra stitched me up. I squeezed Daddy's hand and was worried it would hurt. Clarice put some cold rinse on my bottom to numb me up; that didn't feel great, but nothing hurt after that! It seemed like there was so much to do after you were born. I remember Clarice saying she was quite proud of the stitching job she had done, and that made me feel good.

In the meantime, you were still crying a lot! We would rest, and you would cry, and eventually the midwives would come in to check on you. They were alert to you, but not concerned - they said that this was not totally unusual but not totally typical. They said some babies are just irritable, and it was not as a result of anything we had or hadn't done.

We did eat, which felt great! I sucked down the pizza and bread sticks and had some of my kefir, and ended up with kind of a tummy ache. Audra came in and helped you latch finally, as we weren't quite getting it. I knew when you latched, it did hurt like they said but only for a few seconds! They described it as “toe-curling pain for 10 seconds, then the pain stops.” This was an accurate description. Once we finally figured it out, it felt so good to know you had latched.

Clarice came in eventually after you had been crying a lot. She said she had called the chiropractor and asked if we were okay with you getting an adjustment. Because I had gotten so many adjustments with Dr. Amy during my pregnancy and she had explained what they did for babies, I was more than okay with it. Jan was amazing, and so kind. You loved her. She hit all your good spots! That did seem to help, at least for a while.

Time kept going on, and we never really slept. Something always seemed to be happening when we would doze off. Audra gave us all the paperwork. Clarice said we should head home before it got too late; I was ready to go home, but wanted to stay and sleep all night with the midwives there at our beck and call! People were always surprised how short our stay was, and yes, I would have loved to stay there - BUT they are thinking in hospital mode where they check on you/bug you all night and you don't get sleep anyway! So we did go home and it was nice to be there, and we didn't get sleep there either. Clarice helped us with the carseat – that was a pain, but Daddy finally figured it out. I held you in my arms on that couch in the main room. It was like I had known you forever. I don't think you cried then. You slept all the way home, and I was in the back with you.

How crazy and surreal to bring you home! It was around midnight, coming into 12/2/09. Fellini sniffed you, daddy and I hugged each other, did a few things, then took you upstairs. It did not feel great to pee, but the peri-bottle sure helped. Oh, the mass emotional chaos of those first few hours. You did not sleep all night! We would put you in the cradle, and you didn't like that. You were still really snuffly. We did not sleep all night, we held you the whole time. We were totally freaked out! Daddy called his mom, we just thought there was something wrong with you! Finally we called Kip - she was on call. Daddy told her all our concerns, and she asked a few questions. When daddy got off the phone with her, I asked if she thought everything was okay - he said yes, and that she was coming over. What a flood of relief! I think she came over around 9 am, you had been squawking pretty constantly. Daddy and I shed a few tears that night, too.

You stopped crying just as Kip was getting to the house! Kip said on the phone that maybe you were a worrier (great, just like your mom) - like you were worried about being born and didn't want to come, didn't want to come, then were finally like, “Forget this, I'm coming!” and pushed on through. Which was kind of like how you came! When she got here, she said she had had a chance to look through your birth pictures and had changed her mind. She thought maybe you weren't so much worried like she had originally thought, but more that you were pissed! We thought that was so funny. You can really see that in the pictures too.

Anyway, she held you, and gave us a bunch of homeopathic remedies – a relief, after we thought that there was just something dreadfully physically wrong with you. She gave us the Rescue Sleep spray, Happiest Baby on the Block CD, a few other things, and made me stop asking if she wanted something to drink, said she just needed to use our bathroom, and sent us to bed. We slept for 4 glorious hours. She came in our bedroom and said you had slept the whole time and were alert and did we want to hold our sweet alert baby? She gave you to me then, and we just loved on each other. We didn't want Kip to leave! She said she had just been on the couch and caught up on some reading.

Things rolled from there...in what feels like has been 2 seconds later, you are almost 7 months old. I count my blessings for the way you came into this world every day. I don't know if I'll every be able to express how I feel about all our midwives – Audra, Kip, Clarice, Shelie. I love them all deeply. And I have loved every single day with you – amazing, difficult, heart-wrenching, blissful, total sleep deprivation, mad joy...You are upstairs sleeping right now, where I should be. I love you, my sweet sleeping baby. What will you be like as you grow up? And will I be a good mother to you? Yes, I will.   -Libby